Are We Done?


November 29, 2012 by themommahen

I don’t know how people decide to quit having babies. Yes, I have friends and know people who have examples ready and waiting to offer as exhibits as why they don’t want any more. And some days I totally feel like I’m in over my head. But that’s beside the point.

We have three. They’re wonderful. Beautiful. Miraculous. For five years after we were married, we wondered why the stork wasn’t visiting us. Then the people in white coats told us we weren’t on the stork’s mailing list. IVF or adoption were our best options. So we went down those roads. And in between “Not for Us Ave.” and “Halfway Home Blvd.” we found out we were pregnant. We were elated. Over the moon. Ecstatic. Surprised. Dumbfounded.

And then, four days after my positive pregnancy test, I miscarried. We were deflated. Depressed. Destroyed. Dumbfounded. We didn’t know if we could ever replicate it. Was it a fluke? Was it a tease? Was it a cruel joke? We didn’t know.

So we hunkered down, just the two of us (with great support from our families) and we mourned and grieved. And drank lots of wine and beer. And planned trips to Memphis and Vegas. And lo and behold, in Vegas after not feeling quite right for a few days and two negative pregnancy tests, I took a third test. And it was positive. And that was the beginning of H#1. My pregnancy was uncomplicated and uneventful. The delivery, however, was not. But it had a wonderfully happy ending.

H#1 in her brand new car seat

And then, more miracles. H#2 came after another uncomplicated and uneventful pregnancy, except for a few early ultrasounds spurred by some strange, yet benign symptoms. His delivery was even more uncomplicated and uneventful, culminating in me proclaiming seconds after he was born that I could have 15 more.

H#2 in his gently used car seat

And when my friends asked me if we were done, now that we had one of each, I couldn’t say we were. And we weren’t. H#3 came along after yet another uneventful and uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery, despite his largeness.

H#3 in his gently more used car seat

And when my friends asked me if we were done, I couldn’t say I was. And then we found out we were expecting #4. And we were happy. Happier than we realized we would be, considering our living situation and the fact that we were still, for the forseeable future, without my paycheck. And then I miscarried. And then I had the D&C. And then I had the ER trip. And then things were put into perspective. And then we started thinking about what could be, what could have been and what still might be.

And we’re not sure what we want. What’s right. What makes sense.

I’m going to be 40 in a few months. I’m working out to lose baby weight gained while carrying a baby I never birthed. My hormones are still working to get it together. Risks, both for an unborn child and for me, don’t go down in these years. The Husband is a few years older than me. We own a home – in Chicago. We live with my parents – in North Carolina. We have three beautiful miracles who take our breath away on a daily basis. Are we done? Being “done” is hard to swallow. So permanent. So finite. A new chapter.

What’s the right decision? The right thing?

Are we done?

Are we done?

Are you done? How did you decide yes or how do you know you’re not?


9 thoughts on “Are We Done?

  1. Ronda says:

    Hey, you will feel it. Shiloh is my 7th,i know how difficult that decision. I qould keep having them, but the risk seems to great, to loose another or for my family to loose me. I feel so very blessed and that gives me peace. I want to be able to do and be all I can for what God has given me. Would I have another, yes, but I know this is the family God intended me to have. Ypu have to focus on the gifts and not what could be. You have to be happy with what you have. There is greater sacrifice woth a larger family, I am pulled physically and mentally with what I have and I added a dog…oh boy. You are a wonderful mom and you will not make a wrong decision on this.
    I could keep going but I will stop here. We can always get together and talk.

  2. Pretty sure I’m done. When #3 became #’s 3 & 4, a quick trip to a doctor’s office and weekend with a bag of frozen peas made sure of it.

    • themommahen says:

      Thanks for the link love. Read this post (and a few others of yours — I like what I saw and will be back) and am hoping to read some good news for and from you soon.

  3. […] Should we have more kids? […]

  4. Sara Murray says:

    After three beautiful babies, one emergency and two elective c-sections, we were advised ‘not to’. We had been discussing no. 4, and may well have decided not to on our own, but having the decision taken away was difficult for awhile. I’ve accepted, although admit to the odd pang. I remind myself how blessed we are to have three amazing, healthy children and just enjoy 🙂

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When Daddy suggests a #bonfire to celebrate fall weather and continued healing. #justwhatthedoctorordered #laughteristhebestmedicine #latergram Homeward bound! He's out, waking up, went well. Huge thanks to everyone for all the prayers, texts, messages, good thoughts, mojo, juju, etc.  More details to come. Trying to keep him flat on his back not moving, which, if you know this boy, you know that is not easy. #thumbsup Our older boy, my H2, has had episodes of SVT (rapid heart rate) for five years now. It was managed with medication for a while, then seemed to go away, but then came back last school year. Due to the unpredictability of it and the resulting disruption and anxiety it causes him, he is scheduled for a heart ablation catheterization procedure tomorrow early in the morning. Hopefully the doctors will be able to find and eliminate the extra electrical pathways responsible. Fortunately, this is a pretty routine procedure with great success rates. But as the saying goes, no surgery or procedure is minor if it's happening to you or a loved one. We welcome prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, juju, mojo, whatever our friends can muster. (This picture was taken two weeks ago during an echocardiogram. He was fascinated, and I couldn't help but remember the first time I got to hear that same, sweet heartbeat...) ❤ Totally disturbing. #halloween H2 suggested we go on a nature walk yesterday through the woods with walkie talkies. (And BB guns, of course, because, boys.) It was hot, it was muggy, it was thorny, it was spider webby, it was buggy, it was tiring. 
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