November 15, 2012 by themommahen
My phone is always buzzing with reminders. Library storytime, wellness appointments for the Hatchlings, egg deliveries, missed calls, waiting messages, school pick-up (don’t laugh – I have to be sure I don’t get constracted and end up late!), you name it, my phone is (usually) reminding me. Today it started buzzing at 9:30, reminding me of my 10:30 mid-pregnancy ultrasound appointment.
The actual appointment was canceled, but I forgot to delete it from my calendar. Typical of miscarriage and loss – reminders pop up when least expected and really wallop you with their sucker punch. Funny thing, last night I felt atypically emotional. Watching my children sleep after watching some three-years-old videos of H#1 and #2, I welled up unexpectedly with mixed emotions. Overwhelming love for my kids, heartwrenching aches for their vulnerabilities, overflowing pride for their love for each other, heartbreaking sadness at how fast it all goes by and the fleeting nature of youth. And life.
I pulled it together in the bathroom as I brushed my teeth and chalked it up to the return of my menstrual hormones (sorry boys) after a nearly three year hiatus (yes, you read that right, three years). And it probably was mostly that, but this morning I was reminded of all the emotions of the last several weeks. It was just over a month ago that we went from elation of a glowing end-of-first-trimester ultrasound and report to the crashing low of no heartbeat or movement. Which led to a D&C five days later, which four days after that led to a 4am ER visit, which was exactly six days before we left for our first-ever family trip to Walt Disney World.
Yeah, it’s been a little crazy.
People ask me how I am. I’m okay. In some ways I feel like I was never pregnant, despite the six weeks of extreme exhaustion and nausea, despite the blog post announcing our exciting news, despite the hundreds of well-wishes The Husband and I got after. Our trip to Disney truly was magical, healing much of the hurt with absolutely phenomenal memories for a lifetime. in the week between my ER visit and leaving for Florida I would say to people about our pending trip that it was “either going to be a blessing or a curse,” and it was definitely the former.
Don’t get me wrong, it was still a devastating loss for me, The Husband, the Hatchlings and my parents, all of whom had been doing Happy Baby Dances for nearly 13 weeks. And, unfortunately, not a feeling or experience I was unacquainted with, having miscarried early in a pregnancy back before there were any Hatchlings. But despite my own emotions, my thoughts kept going to my many many friends who have all suffered their own tragic losses. From women never being able to carry a pregnancy to those losing babies in the first weeks of pregnancy to others delivering stillborn babies in their final weeks of what was supposed to be the home stretch of their 40 weeks to those who had to say goodbye to their young children far before they should have, I knew I was surrounded by others who had been through this and worse. And for me, with my three miracle Hatchlings and The Husband standing beside me, family to support us and friends who taught me a lot about what being a true friend means, I can’t shake the knowledge of how lucky and blessed I am.
So thanks for caring. And for those of you out there who have been through this, I’m thinking of you. And my friends still battling, I’m pulling for you.
(Incidentally, it was a completely different story for my first miscarriage, after which I carried around bubbling rage and sadness for months afterwards. I insert this to acknowledge every person and every loss is different. My feelings and experiences are just that – mine – and I do not even begin to insinuate or infer others should even remotely feel the same way. Anyone who needs support, these sites are great places to start.)