July 19, 2011 by themommahen
Image Source: Flickr makelessnoise
I am completely stopped up, save for a tiny trickle of thoughts seeping through my daily blur of kid-focused activities. I have at least a dozen half-started posts that are languishing in my drafts file. I look at the abandoned words I wrote and feel the same way I feel when I have to decide what’s for dinner when I’m not even the least bit hungry. No appetite. Just in this case it’s that I’m not hungry for my words or thoughts, which is a strange feeling. Because that tiny trickle of thoughts is a constant drip-drip-drip on my brain, keeping me awake at night and annoyed during the day. And if I could just find time to sit and type, I’d have a blog bursting at the seams, but instead I form the topics and content in my own head and hope I can remember them enough to actually string words together when I just get 30 minutes uninterrupted. Which, of course never happens and that’s okay, because let’s be honest, I didn’t quit my job and move back in with my parents to be a blogger, right? I mean it would be great if there was a way to transform my career into some kind of writer but hey, right now my focus is on being a mom. And that right there is what my drips are usually about.
Like the differences between being a WOHM and a SAHM (don’t those acronyms make me sound all bloggy?); how everyone keeps asking me what I’m going to do next when right now, this is next and I’m not sure when the next next is; how worried Hatchling #1 is about school starting; how H#3 is saying “Momma” and “Baby” and really getting close to crawling and how he weighs the same as his big brother and has no clothes because he can’t fit into anything we have and how all three need new clothes. (Oh how I wish these schools required the blue and white uniform we had in Chicago – parents, it is SO. MUCH. EASIER!)
How H#2 is going through a “mean boy” phase but melts like butter at the most unexpected times and how he just loses himself, completely transfixed, by any type of music (he identifies Elvis, Tom Petty and The Who completely on his own on the radio); how H#1 has just become a fish at her swimming lessons, in 24 hours transformed from a 5yo scared to put her face in the water with her swimmy vest on to actually swimming underwater with no help! (Swimming seems to be like potty training. One day they aren’t, the next day they are!)
How the looming school year is making me question everything from where to send them (not that we really have a choice one month out), where to live (if we ever move out of my parents house) and whether H#2 is ready or needs preschool.
How watching Too Big to Fail the other night and all this debt ceiling crisis stuff makes me wonder what the world is going to be like for our children and theirs, not to mention ours in the near-term; how we’ve decided to rent our condo rather than try to sell it despite our reluctance to being landlords from 900 miles away; how H#2 still doesn’t seem quite right (very very tired) since he had that weird virus a couple weeks ago; how H#3’s teeth seem like they’ve been coming in FOR.EV.ER. and if they don’t hurry up, we might all lose it. Or not, because he’s really, really cute.
How hard it is to budget after axing my salary; how hard it is to balance what we want to do for and with our kids and what we need/can do. How I thought I’d be so much more organized as a SAHM after all my years in the corporate world of calendars, meetings and conference calls but on good days being anywhere by 10am is a major challenge. (How we will make it to school by 8am is a small source of anxiety…)
How we found our first egg and since then we keep finding eggs in a nest in the woods (we’re up to 10 as of today and guessing they’re from a guinea) and we can’t wait until we start getting eggs on a regular basis. (And the ladies figure out how to use their nesting boxes!)
How Foxy is now one of three roosters and possibly four, which means we only have six layers now, and how he jumped and scratched H#2 this weekend for no reason, which means that if it happens again we’ll have to find a new home for the roo. For now we’re blaming it on H#2’s red shorts, but we’re more than a little worried that wasn’t the real source of the aggression.
I guess sometimes writer’s block isn’t the absence of thoughts, it’s too many trying to push through all at once. So consider this my purge and thank you for allowing me to spew my words and half-thoughts. Perhaps the blank screen tomorrow will once again be mine to fill.